I seem to be lapsing back into my pre-uni days where a night out or long walk would send me to bed for a few hours and leave me drained for a day.
Last night I was so angry at everyone and it absolutely ruined my night. I would have loved the headphone disco, there were some brilliant anthems and some great RnB and dubstep and both are wonderful to have a little boogie to and lose yourself in.
But when your friend gets very drunk and blames you, then you start to get annoyed. 'You kept pouring me drinks, you got me drunk' Well no, actually I poured you two drinks over 3 hours ago. The 4 drinks you bought for yourself in the union I had nothing to do with and had I been there I would have stopped you. But now it's time for me to take you home, you're a mess, you spilt my drink, knocked over countless glasses and you are embarrassing yourself in front of my friends. Fine, if you won't leave I can't be dealing with this.
When people decide that your private life is their business and that they can spread it around and make judgements on it, the annoyance notches up a fair bit more. Why can't anything just be private? Why can't I be the one to make the call about who knows whats happening in my life? If you didn't know in the first place its because I didn't want you to know and now that you've found out there is absolutely no way it's OK for you to go and tell other people who I also chose not to tell. And then for you as a group to make judgements and tell me that you 'don't agree with what I'm doing but we love you anyway' makes me so angry. Who gave you the right to sit there on your high horse and tell me how you feel about the choices I'm making?! Its not on!
Gah, this splurge of emotions is what I needed to walk off. That and the residual pain from the awful cramp I kept getting in the night. How is it that after 12 miles and 2 long phone calls I felt absolutely drained, emotionally and physically, but after a 4 hour nap I can so easily begin feeling annoyed again?
Normally I'm so good at turning off my emotions, so good at not thinking about things if I don't want to. I love the wholeness of anger but this anger is emotional, it's painful and I've realised things about people who I was getting very close to and will have to be close to for years to come that make me doubt whether we are the perfect fit I had believed before. I'm not really sure. We'll see how things go.