*I wrote this last night. I was feeling... down and rather overthinking things. But I want to publish it as a record of my having had this dilemma, this though process, this introspection of sorts. I don't feel down now and I'm not worried about what I'm feeling. I just want this there.
Do I want to write/ talk/ think?
I don't know how I feel.
I'm not sure what I want.
I wish everyone else was more upfront with their feelings and desires and motivations and thought processes.
I wish I understood people more.
That way it would be so much easier for me to stay above things. If I understood people and their thoughts then I could decide how I feel based on that. And yes, I do mean decide. I want to know all the facts before I figure out how I feel about things. What if I think about it and come to a conclusion just to find that I've only been seeing half the picture. What if I ever think and realise I feel something bad. I don't even know what bad would be. Something. Nothing.
Anything could be treading dangerous water. Anything takes me to vulnerability and that scares me. I hate the idea of people being able to be hurt me. Even the fact that my sister, or my closest friends of nearly 8 years know the buttons to push to cause the most pain I find hard. I don't like people having that ability to plunge the knife between my ribs and twist it just so.
This is nuts! There's absolutely no reason for me to feel this way.
It's 2am and you're moping and you're on the last episode of New Girl, what will I do with myself?!
Bloody hell, pull yourself together woman.