Monday, 21 May 2012

There are things we've done in our lives that we're not proud of.
That make us cringe.
That embarrass us.
That have the potential to hurt us.
Or to hurt other people.

I'm not perfect and I've certainly made mistakes. Our mistakes shape us, they make us the person that we are and the person we will become. We use our past experience, the way it played out and the consequences of our actions to help us evaluate the actions we take in the future. It is commonly quoted that our mistakes shouldn't define us, that we shouldn't live our lives regretting our pasts but sometimes it's other peoples reactions that we fear, sometimes it's the hurt you'll see in their eyes that make you shy away from accepting and being totally honest about the past.

What if keeping the past hidden, if not disclosing your mistakes is motivated by not hurting the people you care about. Is that the same thing as asking if you do it so they don't change the way they think about you?

You mean more to me than our situation would dictate and I wonder that if by saying it, I'll scare you. I know this isn't the way things were supposed to go, I didn't expect this when I thought about it all those months ago but it's how I feel now. Everything has changed from when we initially laid this out, both in positive and negative ways. I've learnt things and seen things that have changed what I know about you, of course I have, I've come to know you so much better. And you, I. I hope this most recent transgression doesn't irrevocably change the way you think about me, I don't want it to define me and I don't consider it to, but do you? I can't say any more than I'm sorry and that it was a while ago. I don't feel like I need to do that now, I accept it was irrational at the time but humans aren't highly logical creatures, we don't always see the bigger picture and we're motivated by things other than clear-cut logic. Maybe in my head I wanted to even up the score board and I know that's crazy! But sometimes I hurt, sometimes I feel insecure and have doubts and it's scary feeling like I'm not in control. I feel like I'm always the one talking, the one opening up and sure, Im confused. More than half my answers are 'I don't know' but how can I know when I dont know what's going on in your head?

But really, is anyone in control? We don't know what's going to happen in the future. Anything is possible and there are so many things we can't account for considering different situations. I want things to be certain, to be definitive and defined, to be... formed, to be whole but they aren't and I think I'm going to have to accept that life isn't like that.

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