Friday, 17 February 2012


Getting older doesn't always mean growing wiser, sometimes it just means that more pressures are placed upon us. Sometimes I feel like atlas. Albeit not an old and broken man, but you can just feel the weight of your burdens pressed right between your shoulders.

Atlas held the world on his shoulders
I say burdens but it's not exactly the right word. Maybe a better word would be responsibilities? No, not even that quite sums it up. I guess what I want to express is that everything to do with you, that affects you, that is influenced by you and influences you, it's up to you to manage, to govern and guide and that is a big decision have in your hands.

I've been thinking lately, and that in itself scares me, about what I'd do, how I'd react, who I'd tell if there was something seriously wrong with me. I don't know whether I mean terminally wrong or just, a major blip but the thoughts apply either way. I know the first person I should tell is probably my mother but she isn't the person I'd want to tell first. I don't know if I'd want to tell anyone. I think that, for a while at least, I'd want to keep it to myself, to process the information, to reconcile myself with what that news meant for me before approaching other people with it. I think I'd want to be prepared for their reactions. I think I'd want desperately to be in control and the only way to achieve that would be to withhold all information until a time that I saw fit, until I could decide.

I hope this situation never transpires but if it did, I hope I'd have someone there I felt I could share this with, without relinquishing control but just as a temporary reprieve, being able to lean on them. I think I have those people in my life and for that I'm grateful.

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