Thursday, 15 December 2011

Sanity versus the World

Where do you draw the line between making what you think to be the right decision for yourself and being selfish?

Is it selfish to want to live with people I know will make me happy? People who I'm infinitely more comfortable with than my current flatmates? We share the same interests, tastes in films and music and we get on so well. So why do I feel so guilty about leaving my current flatmate? In the past we've had big bust ups. We've fought and fallen out and we're really not that friendly. We share so many different values, the word incompatible comes to mind.

It sounds like I'm talking about a lifetime partner. It's only a house and it's only one year. I dont think I could take this for another year. At the very least I wouldnt want to.
 
All of this reasoning means nothing in the face of my illogical, guilt tripping conscience. I will lie awake tonight and agonise over this decision, run alternate scenarios in my mind, all bad of course and rethink the decisions I've made so far.

I think... I know I made the right choice. Im settled on it.
And were going to have a great year.
I've just got to get through this one!

On an unrelated note:
10 more sleeps!!

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Why I love the city

The christmas lights are up and twinkling
The embankment and eye are enchanting
The markets lure me in with the smells of doughnuts and fudge
Who wouldnt want to be elbow to elbow with commuters on the tube
Every single shopper seemingly on a one man mission to walk to France before days end
Police on every street corner making you feel shifty

But really, despite the crowds, the noise, the tackiness and the endless queues, there's something utterly wonderful in seeing every shop window glittering, disgruntled santa hat wearing staff and rosy, wind bitten cheeks.

What should you not do when you wake up at 4 in the morning and can't get back to sleep? Turn on your PC and fairy lights and embark on a marathon facebook session.

After a wonderful night out at my drama societys christmas party I was relieved to collapse into bed, tired and shivering (its a long walk back to halls in a thin cardigan in winter) but very happy and fell right to sleep. Two hours later I was starting to feel my sore feet, and sleep was evading me. There's a quote from The Time Traveler's Wife which sums up my sleep technique perfectly:

Sometimes sleep abandons me and I pretend. I breathe slowly and deeply. 
I make my eyes still under eyelids, I makemy mind still, and soon, Sleep, 
seeing a perfect reproduction of himself, comes to be united with his facsimile.

But this time it was to no avail.

So I caved. I knew it was the last thing I should do, I knew the bright lights would wake me up, I knew the activity would stimulate my brain and once I had started, I knew I wouldn't be getting back into bed for hours. Turning on my laptop was the first mistake, the fairy lights were the second, opening up facebook in my browser tipped me over the edge. 

And so my night continued... until I glanced down at the clock and realised that in 2 and a half hours I was going to have to get up and take the train into the city, brave the rush hour underground traffic, locate my sister on a busy platform and take her to her first university interview.

In the interest of helping her become more independent, our parents decided she could travel and attend her interview on her own which resulted in an immediate phonecall to me. I miss my siste when I'm at uni, not seeing her everyday, not hearing all the insignificant details about her day is really strange and taking time to adjust to. Its different with my friends from home; Lots of our communication was, and still is, over facebook, text and skype so although I now don't go out every friday night with them and tuesday pub quizzes are a thing of the past, I still feel connected. But with my sister, she was always there, she understood my mood and my expressions, she could finish my sentences for me and not having her around is sad. Thus I jumped at the opportunity to take her to her interview, despite the fact that I'm going home for semester break at the end of the week. 

What I failed to take into account was that this was the last week before christmas. I have something planned for every night this week and none of them are likely to end before 2am. So last night I watched movies with mulled wine, I went to our meal, cracked crackers, wore, and subsequently lost, my santa hat and then went out to my favourite club where they have live piano and kit and the atmosphere is just wonderful and danced my heart out without any regard for how I'd feel the next day.

And now, in less than 2 hours, I will be getting up, making my self look presentable and dragging my feet to the station to begin what will be an exhausting day. I just hope that I remember to get off at the right stop. And that I don't crash halfway through the day. I think lots of coffee is in order.